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Confessions of a reluctant Mother

 11 years back.  2010.

I was in final year, doing Master's in Surgery. I had just married the love of my life, my best friend. I was looking forward to cracking all superspeciality entrances, I was looking forward to a life full of adventure and travel with my lovely husband. 

I was neck deep with thesis preparation. Being chief resident was a huge responsibility, this was the right time to get all the experience, 'all the cutting' in surgical terms. I had my hands full.

And then, barely in a couple of months into my marriage, I was pregnant. Unlike any other woman who would probably be on cloud nine, I felt doomed. How did this happen! At 26, I was myself a child. How could I bring a life into this world? I was just not ready. This was definitely not the plan! In my mind I knew what I wanted, what I was capable of. The additional burden of motherhood would take me away from my dreams. I knew that my parents and in-laws will support me with whatever decision I take, but what about my own expectations from myself? 

Even though my husband tried his best to convince me that this is a good thing happening to us, I was not ready to accept it. For the initial few months of pregnancy, I tried to forget that I was pregnant. I went about doing my rounds, OPD, surgeries and so on. It was during one such case, that I fainted on the Operation Table and realised, I cannot fight nature.

In the 5th month I had to break the news to everyone, my colleagues, my seniors, my mentors. Not everyone was happy. The university eventually decided that I should skip the term and take rest at home. I submitted my thesis and traveled back to Mumbai. Nervous as hell. 

Will I ever be able to complete my Masters? Will I ever be able to operate again? All throughout, when my mind was clouded with uncertainity and hopelessness, my husband kept holding my hand saying things will be alright. 

I spent my pregnancy days reading Sabiston (Surgery textbook) and Harry Potter.(Yes, I was that childish)

When my little one was born, I was obviously joyful. I loved him dearly. Yet, my goals seemed much more harder to achieve with all those sleepless nights.

So we all endured, my entire family worked hard, day and night to help me achieve my dreams, with My little one in tow. 

It all seems distant now. We think about those hard times and laugh. A lot of water has flown under the bridge, a lot of ifs and buts were taken care of, a lot of times we were stretched to the breaking point, but somehow we sailed. 

Of all the things that happened in the past decade, the thing I feel most proud of is that I brought this gem of a person on this earth. When I look into his kind, caring eyes, I know, all the hardships we faced were so worth it. 

Though I didn't celebrate my pregnancy, I celebrate being a mom, every single day!


Happy mother's day!


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